25 July 2010

Construction Zone

Raleigh Street looks like it's been bombed.
This is the door to my studio.
Well, to the stairs leading up to it.

There used to be a sidewalk here.

They are doing a lot of work to revitalize our historic downtown.
Surely it will be lovely when it's all done.

Meanwhile . . . aack.
It's a mess.
A big tangle of orange mesh and road cones and dust.
I find myself soldering now to the sound of jackhammers.
But hey, progress is being made.

Seems works in progress can look so ugly on their way to being their best.
Why do things so often have to get worse before they can get better?

I remember the doctor telling me that about my skin when I was an acne-faced teen.
"Take this medicine, JJ, and your skin will erupt into a plain of volcanoes . . .
But after that you'll be good to go."

He was right about the volcanoes.
And my skin did finally clear up.
{Till The Monkey was established, anyhow.}

Anyway, so things around here are in a state of improvement.
Improvement in and of itself doesn't necessarily translate to "pretty" but
perhaps pretty is just on the horizon.

I'm feeling this way not only about downtown,
about my external circumstances,
but about myself as well.
I'm a construction zone.

Getting out of the house and into this new space will, I'm hoping,
be a catalyst for change in lifestyle as well as work habits and creative thought.
I'm away from home.
I'm moving more.
Seeing people.
I feel an intense desire to return to taking care of me.
There's been an awareness that I need to do so for quite awhile now.
But actually doing it has been touch and go.
Earnest whole-hearted attempts to eat better, paint my nails and read a book surface and stay awhile.
These attempts soon sink and fade away into the depths of "whateverness."

An ever changing state of flux.

But back to my saying that things sometimes have a need to worsen before they can improve,
I guess going along with that theme is the notion of hitting a bottom of sorts.
Be it with addiction, with weight issues, with just feeling disassociated from yourself.
I hit mine, so to speak,
this past weekend.
The bottom needed to bounce back from something dark.

No details necessary.
Just an awareness that I need to make a few changes in my life.
Not work related.
Just health related.
Happiness related.
I think I've found myself again these past couple weeks.
But the me I've found, though I do love her, needs some tweaking.

So we (she and I) are shaking off the dust and setting out to change some things.
I need a new perfume and a bright coat of paint.
I got a little shabby sitting in storage for a few years.

I try to look at this construction zone as a beautiful thing.
An avenue to change that could be stunning when all the hard work is done and the grit has been scrubbed away.

I know I'll always be a work in progress.
I think I've just put the progress part on hold for too long.
To the front burner it comes.
I'm tackling me now.


  1. It feels like I'm lost in the "whateverness". Once in a while I find my path and sprouse myself up a bit... only to get lost again. So many thoughts, ideas, plans... hopes, wishes.... *sigh*

    I think I need to follow your path. :)

  2. good for you.
    it can be so hard especially with little ones needing constant care and attention.

  3. It sounds like you are on a good path.
    I'm sending good thoughts your way.

  4. With a one year old monkey and a two year old monkey hanging from my legs, I hear where you're coming from. I think 'whateverness' is a natural by-product of having a child. We get pushed aside and forgotten about because everyone else suddenly comes first.

    Good on you for making changes...you're on the right path.

    I'm going to go and paint my nails now... :-)

  5. beautiful and inspiring, thanks.

  6. You can. You are strong enough. And feeling that desire, knowing it's real and true is an honest catalyst.

    I absolutely believe. Now go paint those nails.