26 January 2011

Guilt




I'm sitting on the pink velvet couch in the studio.
The rain is pouring outside.
I can hear the wind hitting the awning above my window and
the cars slushing by too fast on the street below.
Tires on wet pavement.
Sloppy. Rushed.
A universal sound.

I feel as wet as the ground out there.
The past hour has all but reduced me to a sludge of tears and black mascara.
Just an off day.
Like any other off day.
The "off-edness" of this one just seems a bit more extreme.

I worked late into the night last night to wrap up three pieces.
I thought they were sound. Good.
Yes. I thought they were good.
I was tired though- with gritty eyes and a biased opinion jaded by my desire for sleep.
And The Monkey that was sleeping where I'm sitting now,
waiting patiently for Mommy to finish work and take him home to bed.
Keith was out of town on a job.

I came in this afternoon.
Looked down at last night's efforts and wasn't moved.
Three pieces that are fair but that suddenly don't seem finished.
They're pale where they should be vibrant.
The contrast in the patina isn't there.
They're . . . mediocre.


I decided to postpone the shop udpate.
I want only what I'm proud of out in the world.
And the truth is,
I've tried to wrangle too much into the past three days.
I just need a fresh breath of air and fresh eyes,
and one more day to reassert my ideas in metal.

And now, as I sit here and listen to the rain and the wind and the tires,
I think it's not the work that has me upset.
It's not the delayed update or fear that you won't be here tomorrow.

It's my ongoing battle with balance.
Frustration with myself for keeping The Monkey out so late to work on pieces
that I ended up not being satisfied with anyway.
Guilt for keeping him out late when I looked into his sleepy face
this morning.

The face that crumples every morning when I drop him off at daycare.

Guilt for going so long without a shop update this month
and not throwing in my part of the family financial pie.
Guilt for being in one place and not the other,
only to find when I'm in the other place,
the situation reverses itself.
Like I'm just . . . spinning my wheels.
Not getting where I need to be in all the areas of my life.

Just. Tires on wet pavement.


I want to be superwoman.
I want to be . . .







20 comments:

  1. Ah..... the eternal, internal struggle of motherhood.... how I know it well. We all TRY to be superwoman.... some succeed for awhile.... but its not possible to be superwoman ALL of the time.... go easy on yourself darling.

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  2. Jess....i totally get where you're coming from....the update as much as i love to see what your making can wait....i'll be here tomorrow. Take some time for yourself....wipe the tears and dry off your soul. Sobering moments are teachers....keep yourself poised to listen and learn. Great big hugs....Sue♥

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  3. You ARE superwoman. To me and I bet to more people than you could ever guess : hang in there.

    Xoxoxo
    Allison

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  4. Oh sweety!
    I am sending you much big hugs...I so get it...in fact if I indulge here I may...oh no, actually I will cry (as the tears well up in my eyes)
    I get it I get it I get it
    The strong desire to follow the creator/artist/free spirit inside...but to find the time ahhhhhhh this has been such a struggle for me this month and I am feeling worse for wears about it...as I need to find that time to indulge that spirit within me...it is a life line to me and I don't want to forget me..me is important too. and then I see the faces of those I live with. Each needing me in a different way, oh how I love those faces....I too want to be that superwoman.
    I LOVE what these woman have already written to you...lovely words of understanding and encouragement.
    We will indeed be there tomorrow and the next and the next. There is a balance for all of us that is constantly challenging us....we understand.

    thanks for your wonderful, as always, honesty..you are amazing...
    you are beautiful..go here to find out just how much!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiKjTJ_Kmm4&feature=fvw

    Love♥Love♥Love♥ and Light!

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  5. ps Guilt: punishing yourself before God doesn't.
    -- Alan Cohen

    ; )

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  6. Those who don't fail? Aren't trying.

    This weather sucks rocks and puts me in a tailspin - and I'm already not good.

    YOU are fabulous. And we all do what we need to do.

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  7. No one ever is where they feel they need to be in all areas of their lives, especially those that have high standards and have "callings" rather than jobs. It is always and will always be a difficult juggling act; making a living, doing what we love, and loving those we live with is always out of whack for most of us mortals(with the exception perhaps of those with trust funds that do not have to work for a living perhaps). JJ, you do a phenomenal job of all that you do; we admire you, we love you, and we will wait for you.

    I will not be here during the day because of work, unless the blizzard closes down everything, but will be here in the early evening tomorrow!! Love yourself, JJ, and be gentler with yourself; you are doing more than most and doing it better than almost anyone I know!

    xoxo!

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  8. Exactly what Alison said!!
    xoxo

    Genie

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  9. Thanks everyone. Feeling better. Keith is home and The Monkey is smiling over spinach and feta pizza. I appreciate the outlet to whine. I realize everyone has their off days.

    Hugs to each of you.

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  10. "When anyone thinks a woman who serves 'Gives because that's what mothers or real women do,' they deny her full humanity and thus fail to see the generosity inherent in her acts."

    -bell hooks

    I'm giving you a virtual pat on the back!

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  11. I think you just need a huge *hug*, a hot bath, and a good night's rest...and somewhere along the line you also need to learn to forgive yourself.

    Just saw your comment above and am glad the day has improved! ;)

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  12. Jessica-a wise friend once told me that all the undone THINGS will still be there, but small people won't. I can't (won't) imagine what I could get done if I didn't fall short of my professional goals frequently so that I could hit the mark on my mommy goals...or at least hit *close* to the mark on the mommy goals.
    Lovely post...
    Pink couch?
    C

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  13. Louise said exactly what I was initially going to say Jess but also I was only talking to a friend about it yesterday ~ things in my house have had to give ~ I only now get 9-2 in my studio ~ only twice a week three times if lucky ~ but my dh was complaining and as I have another part time job too ~its was all getting too much. Frankly I don't know how anyone does this ~ creative urges don't usually come when we command them ~ we have to feel them almost with all the senses!!
    Take care of yourself xox

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  14. I agree with everything said..plus whoever says he/she does everything perfectly, its simply a big fat lie.
    Dont punish yourself..

    Jenny

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  15. You are superwoman to me, dear one. Hugs and love to you.

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  16. Don't we all wish we were Superwoman? I admire your passion, drive and talent way beyond what I could tell you. Life is an exhausting Beast. Don't let it get you down too much, though. You have way too much going for you.

    Hugs and Sunshine to you, doll.

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  17. Finding the balance is something I haven't been able to figure out either. We want to do (and be) so much. Sometimes there simply isn't enough hours in a day.

    Wipe the tears, inhale, exhale.... drink a glass of red wine and know that everything is gonna be ok!

    love ~tess

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  18. Jess,
    You're way too hard on yourself and maybe even sleep deprived!
    Achieving balance is no easy feat.

    Someone said something to me ages ago.
    When we look at a flower growing are we asking it to grow faster, be taller, a different shade? The flower just * is*.
    I don't know if I'm explaining this well but...

    Each time I feel confused, trying to understand what I should focus on first or where I should be at this very moment...
    I think about that little flower growing in the sunshine on the mountain top> I take a deep breath and say to myself...
    "just be"
    xo

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