I'm sitting on the pink velvet couch in the studio.
The rain is pouring outside.
I can hear the wind hitting the awning above my window and
the cars slushing by too fast on the street below.
Tires on wet pavement.
A universal sound.
I feel as wet as the ground out there.
The past hour has all but reduced me to a sludge of tears and black mascara.
Just an off day.
Like any other off day.
The "off-edness" of this one just seems a bit more extreme.
I worked late into the night last night to wrap up three pieces.
I thought they were sound. Good.
Yes. I thought they were good.
I was tired though- with gritty eyes and a biased opinion jaded by my desire for sleep.
And The Monkey that was sleeping where I'm sitting now,
waiting patiently for Mommy to finish work and take him home to bed.
Keith was out of town on a job.
I came in this afternoon.
Looked down at last night's efforts and wasn't moved.
Three pieces that are fair but that suddenly don't seem finished.
They're pale where they should be vibrant.
The contrast in the patina isn't there.
They're . . . mediocre.
I decided to postpone the shop udpate.
I want only what I'm proud of out in the world.
And the truth is,
I've tried to wrangle too much into the past three days.
I just need a fresh breath of air and fresh eyes,
and one more day to reassert my ideas in metal.
And now, as I sit here and listen to the rain and the wind and the tires,
I think it's not the work that has me upset.
It's not the delayed update or fear that you won't be here tomorrow.
It's my ongoing battle with balance.
Frustration with myself for keeping The Monkey out so late to work on pieces
that I ended up not being satisfied with anyway.
Guilt for keeping him out late when I looked into his sleepy face
The face that crumples every morning when I drop him off at daycare.
Guilt for going so long without a shop update this month
and not throwing in my part of the family financial pie.
Guilt for being in one place and not the other,
only to find when I'm in the other place,
the situation reverses itself.
Like I'm just . . . spinning my wheels.
Not getting where I need to be in all the areas of my life.
Just. Tires on wet pavement.
I want to be superwoman.
I want to be . . .