22 March 2011

Untitled



I guess sometimes we need more light and less wind.
I guess sometimes we're more fragile than we realize.

More fragile than others realize.


A recent darkness had me looking for the sun yesterday.

I found fragments of it overhead,
and on my knees.
Warm knees in the cool dirt.

Looking upward.
Looking inward.
. . . looking back.



I don't understand.
I wish I could reduce myself to a smaller scale.
Note the overlooked and minor miracles that might keep the world sane,
if only we could see more clearly what matters.

I laid in bed this morning with windows open.
Pre-dawn purple and birdsong outside.
The breeze.

I hate that you won't feel the spring this year.
I can't fathom what made you choose not to.



Just hearing that you had gone
brought back a flood of childhood memories.
I bet you didn't realize how much we remembered.
I think you're missed far more than you thought you would be.
Even by those who haven't seen you in so long.



One man gone can leave many holes.
Your subtle exit was a blow to the room.
We stare after you, stunned.
Why go?
It's so early and there's still so much more to do here.



I wish I knew what to say to your family,
but save a meager I'm sorry,
I can't find the words.

So I hold my own close and ask that the lines always stay open.
That they let me in.
That they always hold on, if only by a thread.



I think you were incredible.
How did you so completely lose sight of that?



There are no answers.
I wish you peace.
And ask silently for acceptance, if not understanding . . .
For perspective in my own life,
and the hands and heart needed to hold it tightly to me.

I ask the same for my family.
For yours, and all of us.

You are missed.



40 comments:

  1. peace be with you, dear girl.
    peace to you, to your departed friend, and to the family....

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. this breaks my heart.
    i think i understand.
    so much love coming your way...

    http://reconstructingsarah.blogspot.com/2009/09/forever-young.html

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending love to you and every person affected by this passing.

    xoxoxox,
    Allison

    ReplyDelete
  4. Kinda odd you wrote this today as I was sitting outside yesterday feeling the breeze blow just hard enough to be noticed. Chills walked across my skin and tears filled my eyes. I've always known that when my step-brother left us that his spirit became the wind... So when it knocks on my soul I know it's him stopping by to say hello. I miss him so much.

    ReplyDelete


  5. love and light sweet JJ

    ReplyDelete
  6. So sorry to hear Jess...but i know that pain and suffering can be an unrelenting master...and some find peace only in the afterlife. My prayers go out to him and the memories he left behind...and to those who have a tear in their hearts today and for many days to come. I didn't know you but you will be missed....i hope you dwell in peace now dear one.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You have a way with words...yours just touched my heart.

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    shanti, shanti, shanti.

    ReplyDelete
  8. that was beautiful. I'm so sorry that such sadness inspired those words.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know this pain too well, Miss Rosy.
    Love and blessings to you and yours always.
    And a safe passage and peace for your dear friend as well♥

    ReplyDelete
  10. Peace and prayers be with you and yours. I think we all learned a lesson today. Thanks so much for sharing yourself with us Rosy. Hugs, Sally

    ReplyDelete
  11. We touch so many in our lives - may we truly KNOW it.

    You may have saved someone(s) much pain today. LOVE.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sending you love and hugs. Sometimes, there are simply not the right words (although you write beautifully, my dear).

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your words are so touching. Bless you and those left in the wake of this loss.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your words open and close, remind, and nudge. Powerful writing.
    Got a bit choked up.
    We're so intricately linked one to another.
    I always find you have so much courage to share your innermost world. Thanks, Jesse, for sharing the way you do.

    Deeply sorry for your loss.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am not sure who you lost, but I know it was someone dear. I wish you peace and much love, Jesse. I am so so sorry.

    xo,

    Ingrid

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is beautiful and sad and full of love. Wishing you moments of peace and sunshine today.
    Peace, Kim

    ReplyDelete
  17. So sorry for your sadness and loss, Jess. Love to you and yours always. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm so sorry to hear you have lost someone close to you, J.J.--your love comes through in this beautiful post. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending hugs your way...
    xo,
    Ivy

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am so sorry for your loss Jess.
    I know it's not much... just words on a blog.
    But I am thinking of you and I am sending my love your way.
    ~tess

    ReplyDelete
  20. i'm sorry for your loss.
    &
    every word of this is just so beautiful...

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your love and your loss is so evident. Wish I could express what is in my heart, for I lost a good friend yesterday. We met in 1927 and I have been so secure in knowing she was there, remaining the same strong person she always was. She went to sleep in the evening and did not wake up in the morning. I hope she and your friend met on the way their next home.

    Love to you, dear heart.

    Svensto

    ReplyDelete
  22. having lost so many people in my life, i can identify so quickly the feelings you so gracefully put into words.

    i have begun to understand that the body is the grocery sack for the soul and while the groceries may be used up and disposed of, the food that has nourished me, remains. so it is with the soul of the lost friend, it will nourish you when you most need it.

    let grief do its work, and it will help you through even the worst of dark times.

    ReplyDelete
  23. So sorry for your loss, Jess...sometimes it is just so difficult to try and understand. Sending you lots of thoughts and hugs. xox

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh Jess you write so beautifully and bring tears to my eyes for someone who although not left has disappearing from us fast. xox

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your entry was so longingly beautiful, yet when I read the comments and saw so much love... for you... and for everyone who has lost someone too soon, that's when my tears began to fall.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Justice . . . mine too.




    Suicide.
    Heartbreaking, how some give up on themselves and/or this life so completely.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jess, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts regarding a deeply emotional subject. Suicide is a word that some people have difficulty speaking or writing about. I don't see it written in most of the heartfelt comments above. The fact that you chose to write about it was noble and kind. Thank you. Many people do not understand the depths of misery and pain a person who completes suicide or survives it can feel or is feeling, so much so they (suicide survivor or the person who completed it) cannot see the other side of the pain or that there is a brighter tomorrow. Often the pain and misery blinds them. They simply just want the pain to end. Sadly their reality does not allow them to see the other side of their misery or the consequences of their suicide or attempt. Many cannot understand the person's reality because they can only relate to it through their experiences, which often do not put them at the same “place” the person in pain, is at.

    The guilt and shame of those who have attempted it and survived or who have just thought about it can be overwhelming to them. I have witnessed family members sit next to the survivor and say "how selfish" or "why"? Some experts on the subject have told me that saying that is some of the worse things to say to a survivor of suicide. Many people don't know that. So what do we do about it? Learning about it would be great so when we are affected by it we know how to respond to the survivors needs and also to our own needs. How you are affected by it should not be overlooked. You may experience a whole host of emotions; anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, etc. Learning how to take care of yourself is very important also. One way to begin is to Google "family members of survivors of suicide". There is a lot of information and support available.

    My job requires I take an annual refresher course on dealing with suicide survivors, those contemplating it and their friends and family. That's why I have gone on and on in this post.

    Thanks Jess, for sharing your words it was courageous and brave. I hope that everyone who has never done so will please take a few minutes and read something brief about it, talk about it or even something as simple as just saying the word out loud and get comfortable saying it. It may go a long way in helping you help someone contemplating it or help you help them find the resources to get help, help yourself and if the unfortunate circumstance presents itself and a suicide is completed give you some direction on what to do. There are a lot of people and organizations out there that are doing great work on the issue of suicide...my hats off to them. My hats off to you Jess for your post.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hi Jess, I posted a comment here this morning. Was it removed?

    ReplyDelete
  29. No, not at all - I haven't removed a thing. Not sure why it didn't show . . . feel free to repost.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Poignant and reminds me of a dear friend I lost in Jan - just leaves so many unanswered questions! Thinking of you and hoping days get better!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Jess, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing the emotions you are experiencing. I regret the circumstances that caused you to write them. You have a lot of people commenting on your post because they also care about you.

    In reading some of the comments I don’t see much use of the word suicide. I wonder if people are uncomfortable using the word. In my lost post…that’s what I get for posting comments when I am half asleep...I wrote about some observations that I have learned over the years regarding suicide…thought I would pass them along since suicide is the subject of your heartfelt words.

    1. Often the person who completes or attempts the suicide is doing so because they are experiencing so much pain and misery (emotional and/or physical) that they cannot see through to the other side of it. Their reality is not the same as the person not suffering. So when folks say do not understand why the person did it or attempted it is because you aren’t in their reality. When you say that you are most likely speaking from your own experience, which is not based in their reality. That’s why you don’t understand. The same can be said for the person who committed suicide or tried to. They aren’t in your reality so they don’t see that there is a better way to handle the pain.
    2. Licensed people, who deal with suicide related issues, have told me that one of the worse things to say to the person is that you don’t understand why they did it or that the person is selfish. Because they are already experiencing a lot of shame, guilt, and pain and to say that adds to it and perhaps might make the person feel like their pain isn’t valid. Family members and friends of people who are dealing with a situation involving suicide should express those feelings with a professional or in a setting not with the person who attempted it. That’s my opinion. The family members have feelings that they need to express, however, it has to be done in a way that helps everyone.
    3. The family, friends and loved ones of people who have completed a suicide or attempted it need to also take care of themselves. They may be feeling angry, frustrated, confused, etc. Seeking professional help for that is a good way to deal with it. Your feelings are also valid.
    4. It is good to educate yourself on the subject of suicide in the event you have to deal with someone who has attempted it. Doing so will help you help them because you can recognize the signs, have enough knowledge to refer them to the right resources and professionals and also even help yourself. If you Google “family of suicide victims” you will find a ton of information on the subject. I have to take refresher training on it once a year. I’m glad I do.
    5. Get comfortable saying the word or writing it. It will go a long way in helping the person who is considering it feel comfortable in communicating what they are feeling with you.
    6. There are a lot of good resources and people trained to deal with the issue…take advantage of it.

    I am not licensed (doctor, therapist, etc) regarding treating people involved in issues related to suicide. I am not debating whether suicide is right or wrong. Mostly I just want to pass along some of the info I have picked up over the years. Since not everyone’s experience is the same, always seek assistance from people who are licensed and trained to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Jess, I just tried it again. I'm not sure why my post isn't showing up. It's probably too long. I'll try posting it in parts.

    Jess, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing the emotions you are experiencing. I regret the circumstances that caused you to write them. You have a lot of people commenting on your post because they also care about you.

    In reading some of the comments I don’t see much use of the word suicide. I wonder if people are uncomfortable using the word. In my lost post…that’s what I get for posting comments when I am half asleep...I wrote about some observations that I have learned over the years regarding suicide…thought I would pass them along since suicide is the subject of your heartfelt words.

    1. Often the person who completes or attempts the suicide is doing so because they are experiencing so much pain and misery (emotional and/or physical) that they cannot see through to the other side of it. Their reality is not the same as the person not suffering. So when folks say do not understand why the person did it or attempted it is because you aren’t in their reality. When you say that you are most likely speaking from your own experience, which is not based in their reality. That’s why you don’t understand. The same can be said for the person who committed suicide or tried to. They aren’t in your reality so they don’t see that there is a better way to handle the pain.
    2. Licensed people, who deal with suicide related issues, have told me that one of the worse things to say to the person is that you don’t understand why they did it or that the person is selfish. Because they are already experiencing a lot of shame, guilt, and pain and to say that adds to it and perhaps might make the person feel like their pain isn’t valid. Family members and friends of people who are dealing with a situation involving suicide should express those feelings with a professional or in a setting not with the person who attempted it. That’s my opinion. The family members have feelings that they need to express, however, it has to be done in a way that helps everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  33. 3. The family, friends and loved ones of people who have completed a suicide or attempted it need to also take care of themselves. They may be feeling angry, frustrated, confused, etc. Seeking professional help for that is a good way to deal with it. Your feelings are also valid.
    4. It is good to educate yourself on the subject of suicide in the event you have to deal with someone who has attempted it. Doing so will help you help them because you can recognize the signs, have enough knowledge to refer them to the right resources and professionals and also even help yourself. If you Google “family of suicide victims” you will find a ton of information on the subject. I have to take refresher training on it once a year. I’m glad I do.
    5. Get comfortable saying the word or writing it. It will go a long way in helping the person who is considering it feel comfortable in communicating what they are feeling with you.
    6. There are a lot of good resources and people trained to deal with the issue…take advantage of it.

    I am not licensed (doctor, therapist, etc) regarding treating people involved in issues related to suicide. I am not debating whether suicide is right or wrong. Mostly I just want to pass along some of the info I have picked up over the years. Since not everyone’s experience is the same, always seek assistance from people who are licensed and trained to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Lovely, touching words.
    I wish your friend full sails to blow him to a place of peace and safety. xo

    ReplyDelete
  35. I came here by way of Shreve Stockton's Twitter feed. It's amazing I saw this today.

    I lost my Dad 8 years ago yesterday to suicide. He couldn't see through to the other side of his pain. He just wanted to stop hurting, and to stop feeling like a burden to those who loved him.

    I never thought he was a burden. I never wished he'd stop calling. I never wanted him out of my life.

    Anyway, having been there, I can really relate to what you're saying here. Looking back 8 years, I can say time is healing my wounds. Love, time, patience, and forgiveness. I wish all of these things for you. I wish strength, peace, and support to all those affected by this loss.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I just came back by for the first time in a few days and saw the comments that have been left since my last response on the 25th.

    Aaaah! I keep thinking I'm all wept out and then things go blurry again. If this post has helped anyone in any small way, I'm glad. And all your responses have certainly helped me. Sometimes it feels like I'm typing into outer space. Amazing how there's always someone, many someones, out there in the seeming silence to hear me.

    I hear you too. And I'm glad you're here.
    I'm really.
    Really.
    Glad you're here.

    ReplyDelete
  37. M half, I am glad you found this thread during a time that must be especially relevant to you. Your resilience is a testament to what time can bring to some. Thank you for sharing.

    Jess, I am glad you are typing into outer space :-) I don't get to visit your blog as often as I would like to but when I do I am always glad I did. Hang in there...your blog keeps me inspired in many ways.

    ReplyDelete