Evidence that some days,
I struggle to get me and my creative self on the same page.
* * * * *
What the hell is it now?
A few hours ago we were just fine-
now I'm out here on my ass and quite frankly,
I don't get it.
This questioning yourself and your artistry
in a world of other artists has got to stop.
Where's the trust?
Where's the love, woman?
One minute you have it and suddenly it's gone,
both it and I lost.
Cast somewhere behind angry shadows of self-doubt.
Get a grip on yourself.
You *are* an effing artist.
Truth be told,
I'm getting a little sick of having to remind you of that fact.
And I'm getting a little sick of you being afraid of people.
You assume they are all better.
Lovelier than you.
With more to give and more to share.
You take blows that were never even meant to be blows!
You sensitive soul, you stupidly sensitive soul.
Taking things personally that were never given with any intention.
Finding false meaning in words,
finding false meaning in the absence of words,
or in the tone of something written.
Like you have to look for errors in yourself,
and for judgement in others.
You judge you more than any other.
You know I love you dearly, but you exhaust me.
I wish for you to feel consistency with your confidence.
I wish for you to feel peaceful.
Where's the self-righteous anger that used to burn off the doubt?
Where's the wide-mouthed, full-lunged rebel yell
we used to engage in?
Where'd you go?
You're being a child.
* * * * *
It's easy for you to say, do you know that?
And what do you know about how I feel?
It's not that I've kicked you out on your ass at all.
It's more like I just lost sight of you.
We all feel that way sometimes.
So lay off.
Yes, occasionally I get scared of people.
Not literally scared in a
"they're going to hurt me" kind of way,
but in a "they're going to say or show something that will
remind me of all my shortcomings" kind of way.
And I've always wanted to be perfect.
What's so wrong with that?
Sometimes I don't want to read others' words or
see their lives because it pulls forth
the recognition of some inadequacy in me.
Whether or not they know that,
whether or not they *see* it,
I know and see it,
and I don't like the feeling.
It makes me physically uncomfortable.
Maybe, but that's who I am.
Are you really thinking you can just change my personality at 28?
if you're so tough and together,
why do you "let" me "kick you out" anyway?
Why don't you just stick around no matter what?
Why is it my fault?
To me, it feels like you just off and leave.
Then you want to give me grief for not being grown-up enough?
Get over yourself.
* * * * *
Inadequacy in you?
That's YOUR word; not mine and not theirs.
It's your own baggage, sister.
I suggest you drop it or at least quit swinging it around
and nailing yourself in the face with it.
It's not my job to build you up.
It's not anyone's job, to build you up.
It's your job.
When you have off days,
we both suffer.
There's stuff I want to get done.
Your doubting and dumbing down your ability
is really just holding us both back.
Personally, I don't appreciate it
and you shouldn't either.
I maintain that your biggest obstacle is you.
Ironically, just one more area
where you don't give yourself enough credit.
* * * * *