I would like to forego today's small stone.
Instead, I present you with a big rock.
I had to get it out, and I'm rolling this shit right on out the door.
I went through my sketchbook earlier this afternoon,
looking for some notes I'd taken on working with deer antler
(of course I was, of course I had)
and I stumbled upon this from about two months ago.
Normally, I'm not one to share these writings-
I don't even do them that often because they exhaust me-
but tonight, I'm marveling at the difference in how I feel
between then and now.
This, albeit raw, is a good thing.
Evidence of progress.
* * * * *
11 November 12
I thought long of the ocean today.
Today is Sunday. Today would have been six years.
He said, that's a long time.
I said, that's a fucking MINUTE, and my laugh tasted like acid.
But then we never did share perspective.
That man and the sea-
They have roots in my youth, those two. Each shall remain ever constant in my life.
They'll both fight me in their wordless, large presence ways. Each heard as a far off thunder, their energies on tenterhooks, their souls nomadic. I no more fought him than I did that vast body of water. Rare were there words enough to fight- it was not a cacophony of contretemps, but rather the underlying, ever present rumble of unrest.
It was both of us.
If he was surf, I was surely sand. It took the chaos to merge us- riptides of emotion and experience that neither of us had the skills to sail alone. Without the wild havoc of hardship to hold us together, we drifted apart. I, particulate, ready to rest sand-still and smooth along a peaceful sweep of some continental margin. He, ever shifting, eyes restless on the horizon, a soul lit with the sparkle and sting of tidal spray.
I was drawn to each, these two forces. I'd leave them with salt on my face, both invigorated and exhausted... my hair in wild tangles. Marveling at their expanses, depths, and wondering perhaps even in the sunrise of our hours if I had the viscosity of heart to emulsify myself with them.
In the end, we were immiscible.
I have walked often the line of each with deliberate intention, leaving footprints there to be slowly erased and swept away. It was as if I had no power of presence. As if I had just barely existed, the quelling foam of a tempered wave.
As if I had been just the whisper of a woman.
* * * * *
One thing I don't think I've said aloud on this blog is that,
my heart is not broken-
Not for the reasons you'd think.
I believe - I know- this was for the best.
I can let him go and wish him well
and know fully that he is not for me,
and I am not for him.
The feelings include pain, sure, because change is never
very easy, and things moved so fast for so long.
There is fear, mostly about money.
My popcorn suppers are becoming more common.
There is anger and resentment, but it's because of my son-
because I'll now divide his childhood,
and witness half of it, and that makes me burn.
I wonder if I'll be the one who is there
when he loses his first tooth.
When he rides a bike without training wheels.
No good parent should have to surrender half the right to
watch the unfurling of a life they've made...
But of course it must be done.
And, of course, it guts you.
Most of what I've been feeling is guilt over various aspects
of all that has gone wrong,
both in the marriage and without,
and people I hurt in the process of everything...
I am so. Flawed.
I guess what I'm finding, for me, aside from the changes that I need
to make in my life and soul, is that love is very much a choice
in addition to a feeling. It's a commitment.
But it takes two.
I had a talk with a friend today about people who
come and go in our lives, and how it's always for a reason.
I believe that.
We also talked about how the people who really want you-
I mean truly want you- flaws and all-
in their lives.... Those people will find a way to be there.
They will find a way, or they will find an excuse.
This goes for loves.
I've learned that, as hard as it is,
being alone has been so much better than
being with someone and still feeling alone.
And being alone is so much better
than being with someone but making them feel alone.
Or hurting them all the time.
I think there are so many amazing people in this world.
I do not feel I'm one of them.
I do feel I'm trying to be.
I've never worked so hard,
never wanted so badly to be better.
For my son.
For anyone who would know me.
I want to love me fully.
To like myself, fully.
And maybe if I felt I deserved the love that I have been shown,
I could go one day without sabotaging it.
Maybe if I felt secure enough in my worth,
I wouldn't be firing rounds into my own heart
and inadvertently turning others into collateral damage.
It has been very hard to separate my worth from my mistakes.
It has been very hard, VERY hard,
to separate my face value from my failures.
And, it's hard to let go of guilt that in some cases,
shouldn't even be mine to carry.
But it is the guilt that I collect.
The guilt is what weighs me down.
It is the guilt that might kill me,
were I to let it sit forever.
This, too, I've learned.
And so I read what I wrote in November,
and I can be unmoved by it-
Because I don't feel hurt anymore.
I don't feel like a victim.
I realize my role in it all- so self-aware have I become.
Look at all I'm discovering
and discovering fast in this space where there is
so much time to think and reflect.
As I've written before, the healing hurts.
most things that are worth enduring do.
And I am worth enduring.
My betterment... it is so. Worth. Enduring.
I'll keep trying because it's all I can do.
I'll keep expecting more from me.
However, I realize now a need to be satisfied with myself
as I am, and a need to trust that others
are satisfied too- that they'll STAY satisfied-
and that I therefore don't need a veneer of security
(in whatever form that may take) to
shield me from what is really worth trusting.
I will change slowly, but I will change.
Because I refuse to be who I've been.
I'll stand very still,
and I'll bow my head.
I'll think of what lies before me,
the crests and falls that are surely ahead
on the geographical plane that is my life.
I'll say thank you for all the good I've been given.
I'll ask for help. I'll ask for wisdom,
and all that the serenity prayer ever taught me to ask for...
I'll admit I'm scared, but ready for the hard work coming.
And pray that I can be loved,
and love myself...