04 January 2013

Big Stones- Day Four

I would like to forego today's small stone.
Instead, I present you with a big rock.
I had to get it out, and I'm rolling this shit right on out the door.

I went through my sketchbook earlier this afternoon,
looking for some notes I'd taken on working with deer antler
(of course I was, of course I had)
and I stumbled upon this from about two months ago.

Normally, I'm not one to share these writings-
I don't even do them that often because they exhaust me-
but tonight, I'm marveling at the difference in how I feel
between then and now.
This, albeit raw, is a good thing.
Evidence of progress.

* * * * *

11 November 12

I thought long of the ocean today.
Today is Sunday.  Today would have been six years.

He said, that's a long time.
I said, that's a fucking MINUTE, and my laugh tasted like acid.
But then we never did share perspective.

That man and the sea-
Such currents.

They have roots in my youth, those two.  Each shall remain ever constant in my life.
They'll both fight me in their wordless, large presence ways.   Each heard as a far off thunder, their energies on tenterhooks, their souls nomadic.  I no more fought him than I did that vast body of water.  Rare were there words enough to fight- it was not a cacophony of contretemps, but rather the underlying, ever present rumble of unrest.

It was both of us.

If he was surf, I was surely sand.  It took the chaos to merge us- riptides of emotion and experience that neither of us had the skills to sail alone.  Without the wild havoc of hardship to hold us together, we drifted apart.  I, particulate, ready to rest sand-still and smooth along a peaceful sweep of some continental margin.  He, ever shifting, eyes restless on the horizon, a soul lit with the sparkle and sting of tidal spray.

I was drawn to each, these two forces.  I'd leave them with salt on my face, both invigorated and exhausted... my hair in wild tangles.  Marveling at their expanses, depths, and wondering perhaps even in the sunrise of our hours if I had the viscosity of heart to emulsify myself with them.

In the end, we were immiscible.

I have walked often the line of each with deliberate intention, leaving footprints there to be slowly erased and swept away.  It was as if I had no power of presence.  As if I had just barely existed, the quelling foam of a tempered wave.

As if I had been just the whisper of a woman.

* * * * *

One thing I don't think I've said aloud on this blog is that,
my heart is not broken-
Not for the reasons you'd think.
I believe - I know- this was for the best.
I can let him go and wish him well
and know fully that he is not for me,
and I am not for him.

The feelings include pain, sure, because change is never
very easy, and things moved so fast for so long.
There is fear, mostly about money.
My popcorn suppers are becoming more common.
There is anger and resentment, but it's because of my son-
because I'll now divide his childhood, 
and witness half of it, and that makes me burn.
I wonder if I'll be the one who is there
when he loses his first tooth.
When he rides a bike without training wheels.
No good parent should have to surrender half the right to 
watch the unfurling of a life they've made...
But of course it must be done.
And, of course, it guts you.

Most of what I've been feeling is guilt over various aspects
of all that has gone wrong,
both in the marriage and without,
and people I hurt in the process of everything...
I am so.  Flawed.

I guess what I'm finding, for me, aside from the changes that I need
to make in my life and soul, is that love is very much a choice
in addition to a feeling.  It's a commitment.
But it takes two.

I had a talk with a friend today about people who
come and go in our lives, and how it's always for a reason.
I believe that.

We also talked about how the people who really want you-
I mean truly want you- flaws and all-
in their lives.... Those people will find a way to be there.
They will find a way, or they will find an excuse.

This goes for loves.
For friends.

I've learned that, as hard as it is,
being alone has been so much better than 
being with someone and still feeling alone.

And being alone is so much better
than being with someone but making them feel alone.
Or hurting them all the time.

I think there are so many amazing people in this world.
I do not feel I'm one of them.
I do feel I'm trying to be.
I've never worked so hard,
never wanted so badly to be better.
For my son.
For myself.
For anyone who would know me.

I want to love me fully.
To like myself, fully.
And maybe if I felt I deserved the love that I have been shown,
I could go one day without sabotaging it.
Maybe if I felt secure enough in my worth,
I wouldn't be firing rounds into my own heart
and inadvertently turning others into collateral damage.

The truth.
It has been very hard to separate my worth from my mistakes.
It has been very hard, VERY hard,
to separate my face value from my failures.
And, it's hard to let go of guilt that in some cases,
shouldn't even be mine to carry.
But it is the guilt that I collect.
The guilt is what weighs me down.
It is the guilt that might kill me,
were I to let it sit forever.
This, too, I've learned.

And so I read what I wrote in November,
and I can be unmoved by it-
even amused.
Because I don't feel hurt anymore.
I don't feel like a victim.
I realize my role in it all- so self-aware have I become.
Look at all I'm discovering
and discovering fast in this space where there is
so much time to think and reflect.
As I've written before, the healing hurts.
most things that are worth enduring do.
And I am worth enduring.
My betterment... it is so. Worth. Enduring.

I'll keep trying because it's all I can do.
I'll keep expecting more from me.
However, I realize now a need to be satisfied with myself
as I am, and a need to trust that others
are satisfied too- that they'll STAY satisfied-
and that I therefore don't need a veneer of security
(in whatever form that may take) to
shield me from what is really worth trusting.
I will change slowly, but I will change.
I must.

 Because I refuse to be who I've been.

I'll stand very still,
and I'll bow my head.
I'll think of what lies before me,
the crests and falls that are surely ahead
on the geographical plane that is my life. 
I'll say thank you for all the good I've been given.
I'll ask for help.  I'll ask for wisdom,
and all that the serenity prayer ever taught me to ask for...
I'll admit I'm scared, but ready for the hard work coming.
And pray that I can be loved,
and love myself...
through it.


  1. I care for you so much, pretty thing. Throw your guilt in the sea. <3

  2. I can empathize so much with your feelings! The one thing I know is that you will survive and be stronger than you ever imagined. Please know that you are loved and cared for. Look forward and not at the past. You are amazing and one of the most gifted people I know. Trust in your strength!

  3. Beautifully written, lady. I'll keep hoping, wishing, pulling and praying for the best for you. Love across Fuquay.

  4. You are always loved, and worthy of being loved. Don't ever doubt it. And the change and growth you seek will happen, because you seek it. Those who remain ignorant and those who stubbornly refuse, stay in place. But that is so utterly NOT you. :)

    P.s. Just LOVE that first comment. So sweet!

  5. Thanks, Jess. I admire and love you.

    Friendship IXX

    And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."

    Your friend is your needs answered.

    He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.

    And he is your board and your fireside.

    For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

    When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."

    And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

    For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

    When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

    For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

    And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

    For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

    And let your best be for your friend.

    If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

    For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

    Seek him always with hours to live.

    For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.

    And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.

    For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

    Khalil Gibran

  6. you are FAR from being "just the whisper of a woman."

    although at times we cave and cry and beat the walls, we have strength, and we carry on.
    and carry on, you shall, you badass you.


  7. It's good, the loving yourself, you've got to learn that. It comes hard for some people and takes a long time. I know about that. One day you'll wake up and know that you were right all along. I don't like the word "flawed", it's like a condemnation that you have to be resigned to that makes you believe that there's something wrong with you . . . an excuse.

    All these realizations are good too. I just wish that you would keep in mind that meeting these feelings and then turning your face up to the sky and deciding to be happy about the fact that all these choices were yours and you made them, they're not mistakes and they lead you out of the heavy uncertainty of whether it was you or him. Perhaps he wasn't the right choice for you in the long run. That's a moot point now. It really does make sense, the road you've described over the last year or more since I've been reading your blog. Now, you're free to be yourself and you WILL make it! You have too much on the ball not to and if you didn't make it, well that would be your decision also.

    I prefer to look at it this way . . . you're developing and your choices will become more aware choices, less the wants of a girl and more the fine tuned decisions of a woman. It takes time and you can't see how it's going to turn out when you're in the early chapters. And there will be another man. Well, I'll bet when you're having the time of your life doing what you do, someone will come along that is EXACTLY the kind of person who will be so pleased to be standing next to you and listening to your stories and telling you some of his own.

  8. Bigass hugs Jess. You are so good and so talented and such a wonderful mother - enjoy the moment. We all love you and everything you do!

  9. So proud of you. Love you for all you have given me. So much want to sit you down and tell you that you ARE all the things you want to be, ALREADY. Just as the Good Witch tells Dorothy at the end of the Wizard of Oz,you had IT all the time, you have always had the power, you just had to find it within yourself. Again, very proud of you.

  10. We are all flawed, and we do the best we can. You are an amazing woman, and everything will be ok. Hugs to you...

  11. There is such deep beauty in flaws. Remember...

    "Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That's how the light gets in."

    We are all here holding the space of love for you until you know it within... and then we'll keep holding it. <3

  12. Beautifully written, Jess, and well put into perspective. As everyone has said before me, it will only make you stronger <3

    I will say it in the words of John Donne..."no man is an island," we are all here for you in every way we can :-)

  13. Beautifully said/written. I can just feel your words and I needed to read this today, for myself. And to know that you are on an upswing. We will be just fine. We ARE stronger than we think- and that amazes me more and more every day. Enjoy your badass life. ((hugs))

  14. oh how I love what the women above me have written...beautiful threads of love and support for you to find comfort in...for us all to find comfort in

    "being alone has been so much better than
    being with someone and still feeling alone."

    these words hold such a truth...I know them

    Can I ask of you one thing?
    Don't change...grow
    Grow along side the rest of us
    Transform and be re-born again and again and again
    We are all walking that road
    but change, no
    you are who you are for a reason and you are needed
    whatever gifts you misused or gifts you over looked within you, none of them need to be changed, they just need to be grown, to be matured, to be moulded back to the form they were meant to be....
    the world needs JJ the worlds needs Rosy
    the world needs us all

    just a little something to think about my brave friend

    love and light

  15. You are an amazing and gifted person...I own your earrings and can attest to that.
    But life points out our flaws. That's in all of our realities. But it's how we deal w/our flaws that makes us who we are. It's how we anneal our own metal. You need to find a way to purge yourself of the guilt...I suspect you are being way to hard on yourself. I also suspect that that you need to discover joy again...then all will fall into place.

  16. You know, having spent a few days with you I can say I believe you are the best of all things: brave and shy, loving and tough, fun as HELL and marshmallow-hearted about the nouns you hold dear. I wish I were closer. I wish I had more time to get to the phone and call and say gently how much I value you and how much I TRUST your path. I really do. xoxoxo

  17. Heart-wrenching post. How true it is that love is very much a choice and a commitment. You know I am here for you, dear friend -- you WILL have a blessed, transforming new year *HUGS*

  18. when I read this today , you came to mind....

    "All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." ~Anatole France

    love and light

  19. My heart breaks for you. I'm sitting here wiping tears because I can feel your pain and well, it sucks! And guilt...why o why do women have so much guilt? I'm wracked with it over my boys and my failings. I wish I can say something to make you feel better (and on a superficial note I wear my new Rosy ring every day and people literally gape at it), but sometimes the best medicine is a good damn cry. Wishing you some peace and sleep.