23 January 2013

Small Stones Day Twenty Three - Of Fires

I had fallen back into silence.
Silent my lips and hands, I believe, 
when heart and head are screaming.
We can't all talk at once- my body and soul and I.
It overwhelms me.

Small stones are everywhere, I suppose.
Behind my eyelids.
In the margins of my midnight book.
Scrawled in steam on the shower door and
transfigured as ashes and wax
at the bottom of a mason jar.

I want to light fires.
I want to physically burn tangible memories.
I want to collect and crush and combust
every crutch I ever used.
Smoke out my soul so it's exposed and
as solo as I've become-
nothing to hide behind.  Nothing to lean upon.
Nothing to misread or mislead or misconstrue.

I want to build eight to ten rings of silver and gold.
Something that speaks of solidarity and sisterhood,
one for me and the others for others,
that the lot of us might wear and know we
aren't walking alone, even if finding our respective
paths is a journey that so often feels lonesome.
I want to form a bond with these rings-
share in their symbolism with other women,
share in our support of one another.
This idea is still very much a tender one,
something green and barely rooted,
but I'm committing to bringing it to fruition.
I don't know how yet.
Answers are not something I have in my life these days.

But I do have hope.

I do have so much hope.
And so much gratitude for the lessons I'm learning.

I re-pinked my locks tonight and, strange as it sounds,
feel as though I regained some of my power.

Tomorrow, I'll take The Monkey to school.
Then I'm going to go through the drive-thru at Starbucks.
I'm going to treat myself to a venti Vanilla Blonde
with cream, and I'm going to pay for the order
that belongs to the person behind me.
I'm going to do that because, small as that gesture is,
so many strangers have made my days unexpectedly brighter.
These sparks of light combine and catch hold of
that change-wind, and in the resulting wildfire
coursing through me, I feel the pain burning away.
I want to be a spark in return.

I want this heat. Within and without.

I want to light fires.


  1. Amen sister! Consider me one of the ten that will stand with you no matter the itinerary of the journey.

    Smooches my friend!

    1. Back at you, love. You're are and always were my posse. <3

  2. :-)
    You, my dear, are never alone. Someone is always thinking about you. I think of you often. I would like to catch up next time I'm in town, if you'd like. We could make it a date!

    1. Sweet Mish, I do not feel alone. I do however, miss you terribly. Your laugh is some kind of soul-food. Come to me or I'll come to you. <3

    2. How was your vanilla Blonde Starbucks?? hmmm!
      I'm glad you do not feel alone. ;-)
      Sometimes when we do, we need reminders.
      So, how bout that date? :)

  3. We are always here, Jess, forming a ring around you :-)

    1. I am learning this....
      and how much I want to give back.

  4. Amen, Sophia - that is the truth!! Jess, we love you and feel so attached <3 <3 <3 Hugs and see you soon:O)

    1. Thank you, Sally... Much love back to you. Can't wait to hug your neck. <3!

  5. oh, baby....you just lit *my* fire, for sure.

    i want one of them badass rings, you know. because i'm with you, standing beside you, standing behind you, standing in front of you. i'm here.


    1. ... and I with you.

      Let's bang those drums. <3

  6. Jess, I miss you. I miss you and I've never met you face to face. When are we gonna do this? I need some camaraderie.

    1. I miss you too... I think of you so often...
      NEXT WEEKEND. I'll email you. Let's do this... I need a roadtrip.

  7. Tracy Crutchfield25 January, 2013 14:32

    Jess, wow sister! Your creative musings are lyrical. Hav to catch up in Philly instead of Milwaukee this year .... but I owe you a beer :0)